Thursday, March 03, 2005

thoughts for today..

the weather outside is so sunshiny... feel like summer time in Paris.. i miss those good old days. at least i didn't have any esteem issues except during PE classes.. and we had long vacations where our family would travel all over Europe. our food supply for the journey would consist of uncooked rice, a few packets of Brahim, butter, tins of sardines and tuna. baguettes and croissants were replenished daily from the local bakeries. though the car my father drove is looked upon as luxarious, we were still considered skimpy travellers. we only stayed at the cheapest hotel/bed and breakfast we could find. hygiene was not an issue as cheap hotels in France are very clean and well kept.
fast forward to this day, i am in my office. my task has been completed and i'm left to my own devices. it could be fun.. it could also be lonely. if only laila were in the same department as me.. as least i'd have someone to talk to. sophia won't be back till late afternoon.. and nik doesn't seem to want to have lunch with me unless sophia's around.
sophia has only been here for half a year, but already, she's very well accepted by most people. i guess it's her cheerful and non-chalant nature.. the fact that she's very easy-going and accomodating. i should learn to be more like her. she's not even a PTD..
it's a burden being a government servant. so many responsibilities to shoulder. although workwise, it may not get as tiring as compared to hsbc.. work is still confusing and puzzling all because i don't really know what i'm supposed to do when the occasion arises. how am i supposed to talk at meetings? how do i converse with my seniors as compared to my colleagues? can i walk behind my senior's back? is it the appropriate time to go for lunch or home? when i'm done with my work and i still have stretches of hours left before going home, am i supposed to ask for more work? or should i just stay in my room and do my own thing?
it's all confusing and torturous.. i like knowing what i'm supposed to be doing.. i hate being left in the unknown..
if i had my own company, i would probably be at my most productive..afterall, i would have the answers to all the above questions..
greg keeps asking me when i'll have my biz set up..and how my biz plan is working out.. all i can say is that, as much as i want to, at this point of time it's useless to harbour such dreams anytime within these two years. my hands are tied. stay and endure or leave and pay up.. i have no choice.. but i should be grateful.. at least i have money coming in every month.. resources with which i can treat myself to and support my hubby until he gets a more secure job..

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