Friday, July 14, 2006

Feeling Soppy

I know I should be sleeping while my baby is so that i'll be well rested when he wakes up to feed, but i feel like jotting something down. Not doing anything but eat, sleep and taking care of my baby for the past five days is making me feel unlike myself. For some reason, i feel a kind of sadness enveloping me.. sadness? or have i mistaken it for thankfulness.. rasa insaf.. my mom tells me to keep up the cheerful mood and don't think of anything sad throughout the confinement period.

I can't help remembering the momment before, during and after i delivered my child. giving birth is not easy. no sane women could attest to that. the pain was unimaginable.. i shouldn't be saying this after taking those expensive hypnobirthing classes. did hypnobirthing work? well it seem to have until i was 9 cm dilated. my contractions were defintely very mild. my water broke at home at 2am and by the time i reached the hospital i was 5cm open. just minutes later i dilated to 9cm (i took air selusuh). from then onwards i thought things would be easy but boy i was wrong. the pushing part was the hardest especially since my legs were being straddled.. i pushed and pushed till i felt my energy run out.. the doc had to help (?) me with an episiotomy and vacum.. all my hopes of having a natural birth, gone.. that's one of the saddest part, i guess. my poor baby forced out by vaccum.. Mommy's so sorry Hariz. Didn't mean to make your exit into this world so hard. Mommy loves you and was determined for you to have the best start in life starting from birth. Mommy tried.. I really did.. I guess i wasn't relaxed enough for my cervix to make a perfect opening. I'm so sorry...